There is nothing wrong with “going soft”

Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

As I left high school, I thought that I would be a soccer mom. That was what my mom did: got married young and raised a family. I thought I would follow the same path, but when my high school relationship did not grow with me, I found that I liked a different path. I was very independent and wasn’t sure if I wanted children at all. I wasn’t interested in dating for fun, and I got to a point where I wasn’t sure if I would ever get married. Although I was lonely at times, I realized that my chances of meeting someone were very low. Work, school, gym, repeat. I think a lot of women fall into this category. I got a lot of validation out of my career and was very driven towards my goals.

In my early twenties, I struggled with insecurity – the voice in my head that whispered “girls like you don’t do things like that”. Slowly, achievement by achievement, I made that voice quiet down. It is still there from time to time, but as I gained confidence I realized that there are no “girls like me”. Each woman out there is on her own path, guided by God. “Girls like me” is nothing more than a mediocre comparison to a path that is not my own. As for the second half of that statement, I know now that I can do almost anything. I say almost because I know my own talents. For example, I’ll never be a professional singer and I’m okay with that. I’m not good at singing or performing – it’s just not my thing. I am good at plenty of other things. My husband believes in me even more than I do. He is constantly throwing out career trajectories that I could follow. What I’ve found though, is over the past year my ambitions have changed into something that I wouldn’t have even recognized three or four years ago.

When I look at my next five, ten, twenty years, I now envision a family. Everyone told me this would happen and I rolled my eyes more times than I can count. Honestly, I thought it would be weak to give up on a career goal to stay at home. I just thought I could do it all. I thought that if I had kids, I would just magically strike this perfect balance of success. Now though, the idea of a prestigious career that requires me to work 60-80 hours a week is simply not what I want. I haven’t turned completely away from having a career, but once I have children, I genuinely want to be their mother. Three years ago, the idea of working weekends meant a fast-track to success. Working twelve-hour days was the grind that I loved. I enjoyed seeing how tired I could get; teetering on the edge of taking on too much only to pull it all off. Now, the idea of missing a soccer game, of missing even one holiday, of missing moments with my family is simply not what I want.

I write about this shift in thinking because it took me a while to accept it. My mom told me once that it was okay to change goals. She said leaving a goal behind is not always giving up. Some goals take years to achieve and during that time, priorities change. At the time, I didn’t think much of it but I know now that she is right. It is okay for me to never learn how to fly a helicopter, to not go to a seven month school, to seek out the career that fits my life rather than making my family fit around my work schedule. The Psychologist Jordan Peterson once gave a lecture about how the first four years of a child’s life are fleeting. He talked about how you only have small children for a little bit of time and once it is gone, it can’t come back. This only solidified my thoughts further – raising children is not a consolation prize. Just because most people can have a child and most people can’t be the CEO of a successful business doesn’t make it any less prestigious. Of course, certain people who knew me before I met my husband have voiced their opinion on how I’ve changed. Comments about me “going soft” or “giving up” roll right off my back now. I am not making myself smaller by prioritizing my family. Being an excellent wife and mother is not “going soft”. Guiding your family to Christ is no small feat in this world, and nothing is more important than your children and your husband knowing that you are 110% there for them.

I am not taking away from career-driven women at all by voicing this opinion. Some women decide not to have children at all, and some women manage a robust career with their family. Those are both great options and I commend anyone who manages that. As long as you are walking in prayer and service to Christ rather than selfish ambitions, then you are following God’s plan for you. I’m simply writing about the shift in my own thinking.

Recently, I was discussing my next career move with a mentor, and I told her that three years ago if someone had told me that a project had a heavy workload I would not have thought twice about it. Now, I want my weekends with my husband. This time in our marriage is highly valuable too – once we have kids, we will never get it back.

This comes down to accepting who you are as a woman. I had instincts that were undiscovered for the first twenty-seven years of my life. To stifle that in order to stubbornly chase after my professional goals would be to go against who I am now and who I am growing into. A common theme in the Bible is the gracious woman who takes care of her family and is quick to help others. The Bible speaks of women who work hard each day, all to provide for their family. They are not lazy by any measure. Notice though, that men provide income and sustenance to the family. Women provide for their family by running the household. Their acts of service build and support the family. No amount of money or prestige could replace guiding my family on a Godly path, and if I ever get to the point where I sense that my career is taking away from my family, I will not hesitate to choose my family.

1 Timothy 6:6-8 “But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”