But When God Calls, You Answer.
If my first story wasn’t about dogs, it wouldn’t be who I am. I wasn’t always this way though. I always say that my husband is my greatest testimony, however my dogs are a very close second:
My husband had two dogs when we married. When he came home after a year of being overseas, we got married and spent the next (almost) month traveling around and seeing family. Then, we were on our way to our new home. We had talked about this home many times while he was away – this was the place where our life together would begin. He was so excited to get back to his dogs, but I didn’t feel the connection to them that I was hoping for, and I was struck with the feeling that my husband and I would never really be alone together again. We had this other factor now, to think about and make plans around.
Please don’t misunderstand – I love dogs. I considered getting one many times but held off because I lived in various apartments and had long days between work and school. I liked being able to do whatever I wanted without thinking about getting home to let the dogs out. I liked that my apartment was always just as I left it – no shedding, no messes, no dog-proofing. I didn’t expect to feel the way I did about these dogs; I thought I would love them just as my husband did. I felt like a bad wife, and I couldn’t help but feel like my life had just turned into something I wasn’t prepared for. I confided in my best friend, and she said “Em, you know yourself. You warm up to new things slowly – you build relationships. You’re not spontaneous with your heart. Give it a little time and see how you feel then”. She was absolutely right. I was caught up in the selfish, petty feelings of the moment and reacting emotionally. Back up, see what God has put in front of you, and then move forward, step by step.
The next morning, rather than the lazy mornings we had before, we had to get up and get them outside. Then, my husband wanted to take them out to find a place to eat. The town we moved to was known for being dog-friendly, so off we went. Less than an hour later, our boy Boomer collapsed. He was fine, and then he wasn’t. I ran to go get the car. When we got to the closest vet clinic that Google could find, my husband went inside and I ended up taking our girl Penny to go get some water. I wanted to get her a toy or treat, but she walked up and down every aisle, unimpressed. Finally, we left with just water. I sat in the parking lot, kind of numb to everything going on, and caught her eye in my rearview mirror. She was looking right at me and I was struck with a new feeling – like we had connected. She was the kind of dog that was slow to warm up, and liked to keep to herself. It was like somehow she understood that I was overwhelmed, and she was too – in a new place, with a sick brother, and a lady she barely knew.
We drove back to the vet and found out that Boomer needed surgery. When the vet came out with the estimate, I turned to my husband and told him that we’d use my card. This was the moment we became a team with the dogs. I knew he was stressed about money with all of the traveling, holidays, and expenses we had just finished up. I had an opportunity come my way a few months prior, and as a result had saved some money (another story, for another time). Problem solved. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me. I’ll never forget that feeling, when I got to take care of my husband. The man who always knows what to do, the strong and steady man who holds it together no matter what. That man needs a wife who keeps him safe in a crisis.
Boomer had his surgery, and the next day we moved into our new house. We packed Penny, a drugged-up Boomer, and all of our things up and left the hotel. This was exciting – our first home. I wondered about all the things that would happen here – the long nights on the couch together that we had missed while he was away, cooking for two, picking out furniture and building our home. The agent let us know that a final walk-through had not been done yet, so I took the dogs out back. Boomer was so uncomfortable but would not lay down. He never liked hard surfaces (we all love our snuggle dogs). Finally, I put a blanket on the ground for him and sat next to it. When I called him over, he laid on the concrete (totally ignoring the blanket) and laid his head in my lap. This was a really uncomfortable position, with my ankle being pressed into the concrete but I didn’t dare move. He looked up at me as if he knew that he could relax and I would keep him safe. That was it – I was in love. It was as if both of them had chosen me to be their Momma and from that moment on, we were a family. I couldn’t imagine building this home without them. In less than two days, I went from feeling like an outsider, to almost losing one before we had a chance, to being a true dog mom.
Boomer recovered quickly from his surgery, however a week later we found out that what caused him to collapse was a tumor that turned out to be cancerous. A kind of cancer with a long name where dogs typically show no signs of being sick until the end of their life. This came as a shock to us. Nobody believed that Boomer was twelve years old anyway, and we couldn’t believe that he was sick. I remember looking at my husband and saying “but I just fell in love with him”. I laid on our mattress on the floor with Boomer that night and took a picture of him. I thought we would lose him any minute. His prognosis was 1-3 months. I still look at that picture sometimes and I wish I could talk to myself. If I could, I would tell myself that we had closer to the three month mark. That we would get ice cream for dinner, go the dog park many times, take a beach day, finally all eat out together like we planned. I would tell myself that sometimes it would feel like a time-bomb in my heart, but to try and push past that. I would tell myself to live in each moment, but that I couldn’t have too many pictures and videos. One day, I would be very thankful for them.
Boomer’s passing was excruciating. His liver was swelling, so eventually it caused a disc in his back to bulge, and he went down-hill quickly. The last thing I was able to get him to eat was Popeye’s chicken and once he wouldn’t eat anymore, I had to tell my husband that it was time. I felt very fortunate to still be working from home then – to be able to be with him all day and not have to worry. My husband and I were perfect for each other through this. He was devastated as we decided to take Boomer in to the vet and kept asking me if we were doing the right thing. I was pleading with God, asking Him to give us more time. Hoping I was wrong and Boomer would be fine like he always had been before. I tried to be steady for my husband – the last thing he needed was for me to be wavering when he felt so conflicted. Putting Boomer to sleep was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. It was awful. Anyone who has ever gone through this knows how conflicting it is. It was afterwards that my husband I switched roles – when they told us Boomer was gone, every fiber in me wanted to scream at them to bring him back. I kept thinking he would wake up. I couldn’t fathom that his body was right there but his soul was gone. I have been very fortunate in my life to never have to put an animal down, and I had never lost a dog. Growing up, my family mostly had cats and being there with them as they passed away was a totally different experience. I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around the permanence of what we had just seen, and as we left the vet my husband became the steady one. He was in so much pain – he just lost his best friend of twelve years – but he felt peace too. It took me a while to come around to that. I think that is as close to hysterical as I’ve ever felt. I’ve never had to fight my own emotions that way.
Our house felt so quiet and empty without Boomer. When we woke up the next morning, I kept thinking we were going to pick him up. My husband was adamant that we get a puppy soon afterwards – he wanted to give Penny a companion. I wasn’t ready. We went to a few adoption events and the puppies were cute – my logical mind agreed with him that we had space in our hearts and home, and there is no shortage of dogs who need that. But my emotions were very raw. I was going through the motions – I didn’t want a new dog, I wanted Boomer back. I wanted to cling to Penny. No dog seemed right for us after the amazing one we just had. Then I found a boy dog on a rescue site one night. He was a little older than what we were looking for, but I put in a request anyway. The day came for us to meet him, and neither of us expected anything to become of it. We walked up to an awkward, gangly looking puppy who sat right in my lap and leaned against my chest. When we walked him, my husband asked if this was the one. I wasn’t sure – but there was something about this little dog that was stealing my heart. By then, I had learned to listen to my gut feeling when I just needed a push to take a major life event step.
We named him Charlie. Never in my life has someone loved me the way Charlie does. He is the sweetest, most loyal, goofy dog. He is so smart – if he doesn’t know what to do, he will try to figure out what we are asking for. He has driven me crazy in moments but when I think about his life, it is filled with joy. I can’t get enough of my Mama’s Boy. He has some similarities to Boomer, but very much his own personality. He helped us heal. When I look at him and think about how he was dumped in a parking lot as a two month old puppy – the idea that someone could do that to a baby is sickening; the idea of how he must have felt, hungry, cold and lonely. Then, picked up by a rescue and moved to another family, then with us. The idea that after all that turmoil, he can still be so goofy and loving is inspiring. Charlie loved Penny and followed her everywhere. She was a little grumpy at first, but quickly looked out for this new little puppy.
About four months after Boomer passed, Penny stopped eating. I had a bad gut feeling that something was wrong with her. She was diagnosed with hookworms and I felt relieved when she began to eat, but two weeks later she stopped again. Even with human food, she sniffed like she was interested but wouldn’t eat it. I took her back to the vet, knowing something more was wrong. We all know what it means when animals stop eating, and I couldn’t help but feel like she was missing her brother too much. The vet felt swollen lymph nodes throughout her body, which were not swollen two weeks prior. She sent them to be biopsied, and called a few days later to tell me that Penny had lymphoma. She said it’s a tricky cancer that can respond very well to treatment. In the days while we waited for her results, my husband was adamant that Penny was fine. When he got home from work that day, before I could say anything he asked me if the vet called. When I told him, he immediately went over and laid down on the floor with her. This was a Wednesday. Friday she was fine, still not eating much but picking here and there. Saturday, Penny fell off a cliff. She was stiff to walk outside, and her belly began to swell. By Sunday, she resembled a pot-bellied pig, and we were spoon-feeding her little bites of food to try and give her some calories. Sunday afternoon she wandered to the front door, which wasn’t something she usually did. I let her outside and we sat on the front porch for a long time. Soon after she needed to be carried outside and couldn’t even stand up to use the bathroom. Sunday night she passed away at home with us. This was a different kind of pain, and it stuck with me longer than Boomer’s did. There was peace in knowing that it was natural, and I was thankful that it happened so quickly. Taking her to the emergency vet that night, and walking away was really really hard. It stuck with me for a long time afterwards, re-playing in my mind. I felt guilty about Penny – Boomer got a lot of attention and then we brought Charlie home. My logical mind knew that Penny had a great life and was a happy, well-loved dog, but my irrational and grieving mind haunted me. I told my husband that I was sorry I hadn’t been a better mom to her and he seemed genuinely perplexed. He didn’t hesitate to describe all the things we had done for her, and I began to heal.
We had only Charlie for about 6 months before we started talking about getting a second dog. We knew he wanted a playmate but our little family was perfect. One Thursday evening, we went to the same dog park where we go often, and a couple was there who were fostering a dog. We told them that we would take her if nobody else did by the time her foster was up, and we did. She was crazy. It was clear that she had been a stray for a while, and we started the whole process of house-training and basically teaching how to be a dog over again. Once again, my orderly and clean home was constantly dirty. Once again, I was faced with the turmoil of wondering if we had forced something or followed God’s plan. I felt guilty about Charlie – would he know that we still love him? Would he feel replaced?
So here we are, about a month later. Charlie and Juliet are inseparable. There have been growing pains, but also a lot of joy. After about a week, I asked my husband if he was happy that we have her, he said “She’s not the dog I would’ve chosen, but we had room in our home and when God calls, you answer”. Now that more time has passed, I’ve watched Juliet turn into a complete and total Daddy’s Girl. Watching my husband fall in love with her after Penny has been really peaceful. That got me thinking about all four of my dogs. Charlie was the only one that I really chose, and that was a moment in time when I didn’t want the choice. I never saw it coming – the day when I would be THAT dog mom – thinking of ways to make them happy, looking forward to morning snuggles and wagging tails. God knew exactly what kind of love I needed, and how to open my heart to it. He showed me how loving our dogs would make my husband feel even more loved, and how much joy I could find.
I think that this story also shows what happens when you give your pain over to God. I felt sucked in by how much it hurt, and all the things that we wanted to do with Penny and Boomer. Even now, we will go to a new place and talk about how much they would’ve loved it. The fact of the matter is though, that this life God has blessed us with moves forward. There is no wallowing in place, and certainly no going back. I’m not demeaning the pain of loss, nor am I encouraging you to immediately run out and get a new pet after losing the one you love. This was our story. What I would encourage you to do is recognize your own healing process, and don’t shy away from opportunity. Maybe volunteer at a shelter or foster, so that you see life moving forward and you’ll feel the push to join in. There is no shortage of animals who are waiting for forever homes, and I believe that there is no shortage of forever homes either. I think taking that first step, making that kind of commitment, is the tough part. If you feel that calling, pray on it and give it to God. If you’re not there in your life, that is okay! Stay honest about what you are capable of, and pray on that too. The most important thing is to commit everything you do to God, and then follow the path that He lays out. You can expect to feel turmoil and doubt, but if you stay close to God, He will ease those earthly feelings and show you the joy of this life.