Some call it the quarter-life crisis. I don’t like that term, but the idea behind it has some merit. Your twenties are a fast-track. Life passes in a blur and before you know it, you’re ALMOST 30. We spend so much time thinking about the future and admiring the success of those who go before us: In high school, the Seniors look so grown up. In college, the graduates have it all figured out. When you’re twenty-three, twenty-six year old’s are accomplished. Then, you hit those milestones yourself and you realize that when you turn 18, you aren’t a grown up. When you graduate from college, you have no clue how to be an adult, and when you’re almost 30, you aren’t exactly where you thought you would be.
I hit depression once. I was twenty-five, and across the country from my family and friends for the longest period of time I had ever experienced. I was brand new to the military and had just had my heart shattered by a man who I let manipulate me for way too long. Once the shock of that heartbreak wore off, I felt numb. Every morning, I woke up and went through my day. I showed up where and when I was supposed to, and counted the hours until I could finally go to bed. At night, I would stare up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, and count the hours until I could get up and be distracted from my thoughts. I just didn’t care – didn’t feel anything. I did what was expected of me, but I felt nothing inside. Part of me hoped that someone would notice, and part of me desperately kept it hidden. This continued off and on for a while and once I got home, I began to heal and settle into a routine. That point in time has always scared me though, for people who have no end in sight. I know what caused my depressive episode, but I feel for for those who actually live daily with that hormonal imbalance and can’t pinpoint it. It feels like it is swallowing you, when you see yourself the way you used to be and you know that something just isn’t right anymore. I was fortunate during that time – there are those who have it much worse.
I’ve hit other low points too, where I’ve felt chronically tired and I’ve learned to identify that these are times when I need to do something fun. I used to try to power through with motivation – to take on another task where I might break the monotony and feel accomplished, but I’ve learned that I am my own problem. Hobbies and interests, literally doing nothing, going out and spending the day doing something that only brings you happiness, that’s how you recharge. That is something that I learned from my husband. When we met, he had all these hobbies and when he asked me what I did for fun, I blanked. I realized that I didn’t really have fun just for the purpose of having fun. I spent my weekends writing lesson plans and doing homework; he spent most of his fishing or watching football, and yet he was just as accomplished and happy with his career as I was with mine. I thought that I had fun reading or going to the gym, but those are productive hobbies. They’re great, and things I genuinely enjoy, but going to the gym and reading all those non-fiction books are not always recharging for me. I genuinely enjoy swimming, hiking, beach trips, kayaking, fishing.. those recharge me because they’re FUN.
One factor that led to my lowest point was that I was alone. There were people around who cared for me, but not to any great extent. So here I am now, happily married to the best life partner I could ever ask for. I don’t know how many times over the past few months, I’ve said how blessed I am. Blessed in my marriage, to have two wonderful dogs, a beautiful home, financially sound, able-bodied, healthy family, the list goes on and on. I was so very happy…. except professionally.
My husband and I went to a marriage retreat a few months ago where the counselor outlined the man brain versus the woman brain. He described the man brain as boxes, stacked in rows that never ever touch. This is commonly known as compartmentalization. The work box doesn’t bleed over into the home box, and the football box never touches the money box, etc. The woman brain on the other hand, is also made of boxes, but these boxes have wires running out of them, like a spider web that allows each box to touch every other box. Some wires are stronger than others, but everything is intertwined. I’ve always thought I was good at compartmentalization, but over the past few months I’ve found that the unhappier I became professionally, the more unfulfilled I felt everywhere else. Never enough money saved, never a house organized well enough, never enough time in the day to read all those books I keep staring at, never in good physical shape. I watched my husband and my friends do great things at their jobs, and although I was happy for them and very proud of them, I was so stagnant.
I worked three, sometimes four, jobs to pay my way through college. I used to compete with myself to see how many days I would go without a day off. I was the first in my family to graduate from college. Then, I became a teacher with my own classroom and caseload of students. After that, I added the reserves. Then, I got my masters degree. I was used to piling on, and very very goal driven. I had big plans.
When we got married, my husband and I moved for his job. I had a career opportunity in the works that I thought would only take a short time to get going, so I got an easy job just to make some extra money in the meantime. A short time turned into a few months, and a few months turned into ten. I still didn’t have a solid start date. This job was a big deal; a prestigious position in a whole new career field – a shot in the dark that actually hit. I wanted it at the time, but the longer I had to wait for a start date, the worse my “easy” job got. I dreaded going to work every day. I kept telling myself that I was blessed, but after so much turmoil and months of stress, I finally decided to make a change. I began looking for a more permanent job. I prayed and prayed about this, and told God that I fully trusted in Him. I asked Him to show me the way and I would follow.
I prayed for months about the turmoil I was feeling; I felt in my heart that my path was just beyond this curtain that I couldn’t pull back. I knew God had a plan for me but I just didn’t know what to do next. This was a season of patience. A season of God directing me to step back and count my many blessings, and to let Him do His great work. I wish I had written while I was in the midst of it, just to capture exactly what was going on in my head at the time. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. This was new for me – like I said, I’ve always known exactly where I was going in life. God was telling me to slow down. I had to fully depend that He was guiding me on my path in His time. There was no epiphany; only patience and faith. Piece by piece I began to see where I’m going next. Directions true to myself, but things I never considered before. I wasn’t overly graceful about this process, nor was I always positive. I wasn’t depressed, but the more frustrated I got with myself the more purposefully I had to pray. If you are waking up in the morning and dreading going to work, it is time to make a change. A dream job is great and might be worth waiting for in your situation, but may also reach a point where it isn’t worth what it once was to you. Life happens quickly, but requires so much patience – this is where the prayer comes in. It makes you wonder where you might be a year from right now…
I learned some lessons during the past year that I’d like to share with any woman who doesn’t know what to do next in her career or life. If you think you’ve lost track of your purpose, or you (like me) know it is just beyond that curtain that you can’t pull back yet, keep reading and keep on praying:
- The first time I hit depression, the thing that scared me the most was that I felt like I couldn’t get to God. I prayed, but I felt like my words were hollow – like I just couldn’t reach Him. I didn’t want to stay in this depressed state, so I decided to study the Bible. I had a King James, and I bought a New Living Translation and a New International Version. I found an app called YouVersion that has devotionals for every part of life. This study helped build a foundation in my faith that wasn’t developed prior to this trial. I’ve never felt that way again, because my faith is now deeply rooted in knowledge of God’s word.
- Also during that time, demons that I thought I had dealt with years prior flared up again. The devil threw everything at me that he thought might take me down. A friend told me that the devil will leave you alone when you are ruining yourself. When you are close to victory, he has to try harder. In recent months, certain demons have tried to flare, but I know this trick now and I withstood the storm. Face down your demons, don’t just do what they whisper. If you do succumb, ask God for forgiveness and stand strong the next time. Move forward.
- Almost 30 is not a dirty phrase. Life is short and long. Short enough to have a little fun, and long enough to slow down. You can have a different career for every decade you’re alive if you want. Learn a hobby, do something you enjoy. Work will always be there, and rarely will it be what you were aiming for as a twenty year old. My story certainly is not.
- We’ve all seen the cheesy decorations and stickers that say things like “let go and let God”. In reality, this is tough. When you’re living a purpose driven life and God directs you to hang out for a while and wait for something, it can drive you crazy. You want to DO all the time. I repeated out loud “I trust you, God” whenever any of these thoughts came into my head. Whenever any worry, doubt, or guilt popped into my head I would just repeat “that doesn’t matter, I trust God”.
- Leaving the job that I dreaded was tough. I felt like I was giving up, and I took a huge blow to my confidence. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I made mistakes and bad choices, and I kept thinking “If I had known this, then I would’ve done ___” but God doesn’t always give you all the information, and He does that for a reason. Hindsight is more for building wisdom, and not for re-structuring your life around what could have been.
- See my previous story: “There is Nothing Wrong With Going Soft”. Goals change as life changes, and letting go of something that you once considered a great opportunity is not giving up. This was hard for me to accept as I let go of one job opportunity for another. The one I let go of was harder and more prestigious than the one I chose. The job that I chose is great and gives me lots of fulfillment. You don’t always have to do the harder thing – had I chosen that job, it would have been because I wanted to prove that I could do it. Prove to who? Maybe I would have enjoyed it, but I’ll never know. I do know that I have weekends with my husband and a job that I love. I do know that I’m doing work in a field that I genuinely love. The grass is not always greener, so take a hard look at your reasons and motivations before making a life altering choice.
- Finally, the one thought that pushed me through this season: “Just keep going, life moves forward”. What other good option do you have? When you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, or your day passes by and you got nothing done. When you’ve taken a blow to your confidence, or gained some weight, whatever it may be. As hard as it is for any of us to accept, you can’t do anything about what has happened already. Move forward. Get out of bed at a reasonable hour, take a shower and get dressed even if you won’t leave the house that day. Cook something new, exercise for just twenty minutes. Small discipline will build your brain into disciplined habits. It’s not easy, and I’m sure you’ve heard this before but you need to fight against your human shortcomings or they will easily grow. Then, you’ll fall into a depression that will have a negative effect on your life and loved ones. Lastly, if you think you might have clinical depression, go get some help because you can’t fix that alone.