Faith And…

Relationships.

How often do relationships work out the way we think they will? I’m not talking about boyfriends or spouses this time. I’m talking about the other relationships we have in life. The ones who call us daughter, sister, friend, colleague.

Our parents come from a different generation. It’s the natural circle of life. Our children will think the same about us some day. How is it that the people who have known us the longest and loved us the strongest, are sometimes the ones we just don’t see eye to eye with? My relationship with my parents has changed a lot, from when I moved out of the house (seriously, move out as young as you can), to when I became a successful young adult, to now as a married woman. My mother became more of a friend, but sometimes it seemed like my father didn’t know what to do with me. Sometimes we would talk for hours, and sometimes it felt like we disagreed on everything. I’ve learned to balance accepting him for who he is with just asking him for things I want from him. My husband taught me this. When we met, he noticed that I didn’t hug my father and when he asked me about it I said I couldn’t remember the last time. He simply looked at me and said “you need to hug your dad”. The next time I saw my dad, I did…. and he hugged me back. It wasn’t awkward; it was a small gesture that meant a lot. While we might disagree from time to time, I know that I was raised by a good man. He treats my mom like a queen and worked as hard has he could for his family, no matter what. I could dwell on the things I wish he was, but why? God chose him for me, and me for him.

My mother was the first woman that I looked up to. She is everything a mother should be. The thing is, she and I have some personality differences. This caused some growing pains in my early twenties because I was desperate to grow up and it seemed like she just wanted to keep me young. While my dad was critical of every decision twenty two year old me made, I knew on some level (although I never would have admitted at the time) that he and my mom wanted me to be safe. I didn’t want to be stubborn for my mom but I was trying to figure life out. Finally, I put distance between us. I wasn’t angry but I needed time to grow. After a while, I began to make the effort to go spend time with them each weekend and our relationship improved. My mom seeing me going out, doing things, and being okay was pivotal for our relationship. It is natural for mothers to worry about their children, but as she saw my confidence grow I think that she also took more confidence in knowing that she taught me enough to stay safe and live life at the same time. I can remember once really struggling with the stress of a new job. A friend of mine asked me if I had talked to my mom about it, and I said that I didn’t want her to worry about me – that I only wanted to tell her positive things. He said that my mom was probably stronger than I was giving her credit for and encouraged me to call her. When I did, she told me that she believed in me and that didn’t change whether I was doing well or struggling. That meant a lot to me, and I knew she was right. Not everyone gets to have a mother as great as mine, and I am very thankful.

I share this because a lot of young women struggle to navigate the expectations of their family with the goals they set for themselves. You can respect your family and still focus on your goals. There is nothing wrong with being ambitious. At the same time, realize that your parents won’t be around forever. That thought is gut-wrenching, but real. Place value on the time that God has given you. This same thought applies to all of your relationships. That friend who is demanding a little too much of your time, or that sibling who has become a little too co-dependent. Your life is your responsibility, and anyone holding you back may not realize how much they actually value you.

Family.

My opinions on family have caused some conflict over the years. I disagree with the notion that you can choose your friends but not your family. I hate when people say “but she’s my sister” or “well, he’s my dad so I have to”. You can’t choose your bloodline or the name you’re born into, but you certainly can choose your family. Relatives are related through blood or marriage. Family is an investment. Family shows up for you, deals with you when you’re unpleasant, prays for you. If you have an aunt or uncle (or even mother or father) who simply don’t care for you then you owe them nothing. The Bible says to honor thy mother and thy father, but what is honor? To honor is to hold in high respect. That doesn’t mean manipulation or enabling poor behavior. I’ve watched too many of my friends fall into this trap to not speak plainly on it. Always pray about these things, and trust that God will give you all of the strength and dignity you need to set healthy boundaries when it comes to any toxic relationship in your life. For those relationships that are not toxic but can still be taxing, pray for the words and wisdom to speak directly with the person who is affecting you. Nothing good has ever come from letting resentment fester.

What topics would you like to hear about? Coming Soon…

The United States of America; Politics; Race; Respect; Doubt